Send My Love...

Ever since writing my last blog post, "I cannot be silent," I realized that I had more to say. I realized I shared a lot of my heart, my story and background on how important this weight loss journey is for me, way more than just losing weight. However, I did realize I left out a big part of my story and that is FORGIVENESS. That word is a hard word to process. Forgiveness is a big deal but it is SO hard to do sometimes. I have struggled with forgiveness for many years. I have struggled to understand what true forgiveness is and I struggled to reconcile who I needed to forgive more, myself or my rapist. Well it turns out that I needed to forgive both of us equally.

Through many, many years of praying, going to countless counselors, talking to Priests, friends, mentors, and my parents, I have chosen to forgive both myself and my rapist. Honestly if I am speaking the truth, the hardest person to forgive was myself. I had many doubts and consistently thought this was my fault and that I did something to deserve what happened to me. Maybe if I didn't drink so much, this would not have happened. Maybe if my phone didn't die, this would not have happened. Maybe if I didn't go out that night, this would not have happened. Maybe if I wasn't dancing with this guy, this would happen. Maybe if the person that was supposed to make sure I got home to a safe place was not as drunk, this would not have happened. Maybe if I stopped drinking when I knew I should not of had that last drink, this would not have happened. Maybe if I watched my drink more carefully, this would not have happened. Maybe if I took a cab home and did not leave and walk, this would not have happened. Maybe if I stayed home or went to a different bar, this would not have happened. Honestly the list could go on and on. But it happened. There is no sense in trying to ask myself why anymore.

SO after years of pain, tears, and struggles, a few years ago I FORGAVE myself and FORGAVE my rapist. I felt free for the first time in YEARS. My heart changed and I know this does not define me anymore. I KNOW my story needs to be shared to help others. I KNOW that what happened to me, happened for a reason and if ONE person reads my story and it saves them from something like this happening to them, then it is all worth it.

Forgiveness is hard, but so worth it. I will never forget what happened to me, even after 9 years and countless ways to try and lessen the memory of what happened, I remember almost everything, except for the few minutes/hours I have never remembered. But I have forgiven, and now this is something that happened to me and is not still happening.

Believe me, this is not an easy process. But it is a worthwhile process. If there is someone you need to forgive, do it today. You never want to regret not offering someone forgiveness, because ultimately it is you that suffers the most when you hold on to hate, bitterness, loss, and pain. Set yourself free...you are worth it.

I will leave you all with the words of one of my favorite artists, Adele and her song "Send my love". This sums up where I am in my journey.

I'm giving you up

I've forgiven it all

You set me free